Pitchfork

Genretech Laboratories Performance Evaluation #P408153-4126
Subject: Promise Ring, The
Supervising Technician: Dr. Robbins

Abstract: Subject was transgenre ("emo-pop") musical group that requested treatment for full transformation to "power-pop" genre. Conventional cosmetic surgery was initially suggested but declined. Genretic therapy was conducted on-site over a 10-month period (12/97-10/98); a preliminary evaluation (cf. reference EP document Boys and Girls EP) was inconclusive. A six month period of continued treatment and recovery was followed by a period of full evaluation.

Complete results of evaluation published 9/21/99 under title Very Emergency (see attached reference document). Initial results appear mixed; subject's newfound commitment to conventional pop song structures and chord progressions appears to displace energy levels to detrimental effect (cf. previous full performance evaluation, Nothing Feels Good, for comparison). Chorus integrity has increased significantly, but melodic development in verse lags behind (Figure 1, "Happiness Is All the Rage;" Fig. 4, "Happy Hour"). Lyric quotient slightly higher than before, but given new reliance on conventional structures, still below average.

Promising signs for full recovery include Fountains of Wayne/Weezer emulation (Fig. 8, "Skips a Beat [Over You]") and successful resolution of relapsed "emo" tendencies with new pop paradigm (Fig. 3, "The Deep South"). Additionally, subject's exhibition of ballad-like behaviors (Fig. 5, "Things Just Getting Good;" Fig. 10, "All of My Everythings") is consistent and comparable with past performance.

Conclusions: Results are still inconclusive. Projections for full recovery remain at 82% for the time being.